I asked powerful women in martial arts how training in their discipline helped them overcome issues, be stronger leaders and become more confident in themselves and less-self conscious of their bodies. I received so many replies from amazing women I decided to do a Martial Arts Mini Series. I hope you enjoy their stories of strength and endurance as much as I do.
Martial Arts for Women: Overcoming fear and stiff joints
By Pat Webster
I am a Ph.D. psychologist, 62 years old, female, and a second degree black belt in Shorin Ryu Karate. I walked into a karate dojo for the first time when I was 47 years old. It didn’t occur to me that I was too old, though when I was testing for my first degree black belt, and wondered why some of the other candidates were getting their kicks off a bit faster than I was, and then realized that next to me, the oldest of the bunch was 23 years younger than I and the youngest candidate was a 17 year old male, the thought went through my mind.
Karate has changed my life. I was physically and emotionally traumatized as a child. Consequently, as an adult, I often responded to threatening situations in my work or intimate relationships either with hostility or rage, or by collapsing inside and not standing up for myself.
Through karate, I became aware in my body of the survivor in me, that part of me that was there all along that persevered, that refused to give up through all that was happening. My first degree black belt test was 5 hours long. We did at least 4,000 kicks; I added them up the next day. I still keep the tally in my day-timer.
One of the principles in the martial arts, born out in the black belt test is, “When you reach that point of exhaustion, when you feel like you cant lift that leg one more time, or keep fighting when you just want to lie down, and you dig deep, and find the energy inside to keep going, that’s when you cross the ditch. That’s when you become a black belt.”
Through karate, I began to know in my body, at a cellular level, that I had the soul of a black belt through all those difficult times in my childhood. I began to feel not only my strength, but compassionate appreciation for myself.
I remember one day, when I was training for my black belt test, I was watching my Sensei, an eighth degree male black belt, and his assistant, a third degree female black belt, spar, or fight each other in the dojo. We were the only three there. They were going at it hard and heavy. The fear on my face must have been apparent. It wasn’t that I hadn’t sparred before; I had, many times. It was just how intensely the two of them were going at it.
“Big Dog,” (my karate nickname at the time, given me when I was really a “Little Dog” or a yellow belt, in the dojo) “are you SCARED?”, asked my instructor. “Yes sir I am,” was my reply. “Go gear up,” he ordered, meaning for me to put on my fighting gear. My legs were shaking in the locker room as well as when I came onto the floor to begin sparring with him.
Something happens during sparring/fighting. The fear goes away. Time slows down. The focus becomes avoiding that kick or punch, and looking for how and where you can get one in. There is a grounded focus, almost like a meditative state, that takes over. And sometimes, it even becomes fun, like it did for me that day.
Since that day, when I am about to approach something that is frightening, challenging, or difficult, I remember that the fear occurs not during the battle, but during the anticipation of the battle. This has allowed me to walk like a warrior into challenging professional and personal situations. Karate has taught me to hold my ground, calmly and with focus.
In our book, Winning at Love, my co-author Marty Groder, M.D. and I speak of the fear that we encounter in our intimate relationships when we know that we must bring up something that is difficult to discuss. My experience in karate allows me to step up to the bar and do that, even when I am afraid that I will be misunderstood, or thought to be “too much”, or nit-picky, and sometimes when I fear being verbally attacked in response.
Being a (second degree) black belt at 62 is also helping me bust my stereotypes of aging. I love that. When I look in the mirror, who I see is not what I thought a 62 year-old would look like when I was in my twenties, thirties and forties. I like how karate keeps me feeling physically healthy and mentally alert. I like that testing for my second degree black belt at 62 reminds me to keep setting exciting goals for myself, and that many things I might think to be next-to-impossible really aren’t. I want to carry that attitude into my nineties.
Lastly, martial arts are a spiritual discipline. I have studied in depth many of the spiritual mystical traditions. Many of them carry the theme of the “dark night of the soul,” or times when we make descents into difficult terrains in our soul, difficult times when we are tested, if you will by something bigger than we are. These descents may be instigated by something from the outside, such as the loss of a loved one, or a cancer diagnosis. Emerging from those dark nights, we feel stronger, we know ourselves better, and if we are really blessed, that we have had an encounter with that something bigger. Karate has taught me to martial the Warrior in myself, to keep breathing even when I’m really scared, to find that inner focus, to face my inner demons with the same interest, and yes, sometimes even fun, with which I came to approach my Sensei that day we fought. In the martial arts, before we spar, we bow to our opponent, to honor what we will learn from engaging with her or him. Karate has helped me know that sometimes those demons that we most fear are also our richest teachers.
Pat Webster, Ph.D., clinical psychologist, was intuitively drawn to martial arts when she arose with stiff legs and hips after five years of sitting most days and nights while she worked clinically in private practice by day and on her doctoral degree nights and weekends. Her doctor told her that “these things happen with age.” Pat decided to get moving and enrolled in karate. When she tested for her first degree black belt she was 23 years older than the next oldest candidate. In addition to eliminating stiffness from her knees and hips, martial arts began her on a journey she had unknowingly been taking all her life, and that was the deeper journey of the way of the warrior. Last year, at age 62, she successfully passed her second degree (Nidan) test. Today, she considers herself a “Love Warrior,” willing to work both gently and fiercely to help couples have loving, harmonious, rich, juicy relationships. She was touched years ago by Virginia Satir’s quote, “World peace begins at home.” She has just published a book, co-authored with the late Marty Groder, titled Winning at Love: The Alpha Male’s Guide to Relationship Success (2009, Bascom Hill, Minneapolis http://www.winningatlovebook.com). The book is useful for alpha males, alpha females, people who are married or partnered with an alpha male or female, or anyone wanting to improve their intimate relationship. In her lectures, workshops and speaking engagements, she encourages others to be warriors in the service of love. She says, “We live in times where many of us know how to be successful in the world. How many of us know how to make happy, fulfilling intimate partnerships?” Pat works in the world to multiply that number!
