Susan Harrow

I grew up surrounded by a family of Aikido experts.  My brother and father began training at NY Aikikai more than 40 years ago, and my Uncle and cousins in England all hold high level degree black belts in the art. I took a few classes in Aikido as well, for a short time when I was twelve years old. You can say that the Martial Arts are in my blood!

It wasn’t until six weeks after the birth of my second child, and at the age of 35, that I began MY ‘formal’ Martial Arts training.  Signing up for classes at Tiger Schulmann’s Mixed Martial Arts (a hybrid of Aikido, Jiu Jitsu and Karate) back in February of 2000 was the best move I ever made – it changed my life for the better! I lost more than 40 lbs and gained a tremendous amount of self-confidence and discipline. I earned my first degree black belt in November of 2003 – one of the highlights of my life.  Training has become a way of life for me!

In addition to my continued MMA training, and having been a huge Bruce Lee fan my entire life, I signed up for JKD (Jeet Kune Do) classes. Jeet Kune Do translates as “The way of the intercepting fist”.  I love Bruce’s philosophy of using ‘No Way as Way’, and that each individual has his or her own ’style’.

When I turned 40 years old I was in the best shape of my life, both mentally AND physically.  I was in better shape than most 20 year olds!  I became a Certified Personal Trainer and started my own part time/in home personal training business – Tigress Personal Fitness.   In addition, I teach women’s self defense and safety awareness – of which I am extremely passionate!

In 2008, after my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer,  I founded the ‘Moms Who Kick’ – a non-profit organization – to help raise awareness and funds for breast cancer research.  The monies raised are donated to the American Cancer Society. To date, the Moms Who Kick have raised more than $25,000!  The Moms Who Kick is a unique twist on a very important issue.  It began as an idea consisting of Martial Arts Moms, over 40 years old, ‘Kicking for the Cure’!

In a nutshell:  The Martial Arts help me in my business by giving me the tools and confidence to train others.

I am a strong, motivated and passionate leader.

At the age of 45, I am in the best physical and mental condition I have EVER been in, and as a result,  I LOVE my body!    I have a high level of self confidence, self discipline and self esteem.

I have a strong sense of empowerment and inner strength – and I attribute it all to my Martial Arts training!

Joanne Hutchins is a Certified Personal Trainer and a First Degree Black Belt in Karate.

She delivers powerful and motivational safety seminars to corporations and women’s groups.

Joanne is the Founder of the ‘Moms Who Kick’, a not-for-profit organization whose mission is to raise funds and awareness for breast cancer research. More information can be found at http://www.MomsWhoKick.com and http://www.TigressPersonalFitness.com

Bookmark It

Susan Harrow

Training in Aikido has changed my life personally and professionally. For the past 15-plus years, I’ve been practicing Aikido both on and off the mat. I founded Portsmouth Aikido (Portsmouth, NH, USA) in 1995, and am currently a second degree black belt. I’m also the founder and owner of Power & Presence Training, offering programs on conflict and communication skills that use Aikido as a metaphor and teaching tool. In 2006, I wrote the book, Unlikely Teachers: Finding the Hidden Gifts in Daily Conflict – stories and practices about Aikido applications in the real world. I happen to think the stories are dramatic and moving, and some are profound. You can read two chapters on my Web site.

Since you practice Aikido, you know how many ways the principles can be used in daily life. Personally, I’ve learned through Aikido how to be more assertive. As a natural accommodator and appeaser, my patterned response in conflict is to try to make everyone happy. Practicing Aikido has helped me find my power and my voice in difficult situations. When appropriate, I can now more easily say no, ask for what I want, and express a difference of opinion. Aikido’s emphasis on tanden or one-point has taught me how to center myself and that centering is a choice I can make at any time. When I’m centered, I’m calmer, more confident, and wiser. I’m able to connect with my best intentions and lead others by aligning with theirs.

Aikido’s emphasis on using the opponent’s energy has helped me (and helps my clients) transform conflict into opportunity and resistance into connection. Aikido helps with inner conflicts, too. The link below is a story from my monthly newsletter, Ki Moments, that applies to many women, I think.

Judy Ringer is the author of Unlikely Teachers: Finding the Hidden Gifts in Daily Conflict. She provides conflict and communication training throughout North America with unique workshops based on mind/body principles from the martial art Aikido, in which she holds a second-degree black belt.

Judy is also the author of two CDs, Managing Conflict in the Workplace: An Aiki Approach, and Simple Gifts: Making the Most of Life’s Ki Moments, as well as the award-winning newsletter, Ki Moments.

Judy is founder of Portsmouth Aikido and sole owner of Power & Presence Training, in Portsmouth, NH.

Bookmark It

Susan Harrow

Martial Arts Background
I began my Aikido training in January 1982 at age thirty-three. I carry the rank of 6th degree black belt. I am the founder and director of Society of Aikido Centers since 2002.

How has martial arts helped you in your business?
Being an Aikido teacher has become my business career. It has helped me to focus on one thing at a time as we were taught in randori (freestyle). That being in a calm state helps us make better decisions. Whereas I was shy, I learned to be assertive.

Are you a better leader?
I continue to develop myself personally to be a better leader. The expansion of going through the personal transformation compelled me to write my first publication “The Martial Art of Life, The Art of Intentional Living” which is about the concepts that helped the self-actualization to take place.

How has training in martial arts has changed the way you feel about your body?
In 1982, at age 33 and being 5′1″ and 84 lbs, I studied martial arts for self-defense reasons. I was shy, reactive and took most things personally. My self-esteem was not very high. In the study of Aikido, you begin to learn about the mind, body, and spirit connection. As we learn to manage energy, we connect with our spirit. By connecting to our spirit, you can connect with intent. The whole basis behind Aikido is rooted in intent.

As I began to develop in the art, I learned how to use my body in a way which wasn’t based on physical strength. The mind and spirit have no size and I found the mental and spiritual aspects especially intriguing. Only when I saw myself in photos or videos, then I understood why others made such comments about my small stature. However, as I continued to train and focus on internal energy, the students on the receiving end began to feel the power of my movements. Something had changed and my perception of myself was transforming. What my size reflected was not my identity.

When you started what has the training taught you?
It has taught me that we create an image of ourselves and others are picking up the vibration of how we feel about ourselves. If we focus on our lack of, they feel it. If we focus on self-development, we will always be successful.

I went through a personal struggle in the beginning of my training since I couldn’t understand how my size could be effective. I was frustrated and from the student’s perspective it looked like I wouldn’t survive, but my spirit would not allow it.

Where you are now and how has it affected your image of yourself?
It is now twenty-eight years later. In 2002, in my twentieth year I created my own organization, Society of Aikido Centers. It also placed me in a position of being the first female to head an international Aikido organization in the U.S. I was discovering who I was being the “leader” which meant being the creator, innovator and learning how to manage the organization which consisted of 90% male students. Throughout my training because of my physical stature, my rank and being a female, I was consistently tested by the male students. I had to learn this art and learn it well. Now in my early sixties at 5′1″ and 96 lbs. with six grandchildren, I am still discovering the creativity of this profound art. When you make changes on the inside, the outside will change on its own. It is better to be the real you because when you root your movements in fear, it is always wrong.
What could help other women feel calm, centered and confident?
I teach using ’soft gaze’ in my classes. Being in soft gaze allows a person to see the attackers in an unfocussed way, to look at them as part of a scene as opposed to looking at them directly. By doing this they can center very easily in the same way when someone walks behind them. By staying calm and feeling the situation, the field of energy, then you will know when to move. It’s that field of energy fluctuation that is the information necessary to move before you are touched. The way to be centered is not to focus. You can immediately feel the switch from being apprehensive, fearful and reactive to feeling calm, centered and being responsive in the moment. I encourage the students to use it as often as they can to heighten their awareness. This is one of the best tips I would give anyone.

I’d like to hear a dramatic, moving, profound before and after story.
Although I was making great strides in my profession as an Aikido instructor, there were challenges in my personal life that needed to be understood. I felt encumbered by past issues, issues in the present and fears that there was nothing I could change and the very fear of change. When I look back I could see that this encapsulated my life and showed in my appearance and in my beliefs.

Then a door opened and the concepts were through that door. The concepts which were given to me to write the book are profound and different from the traditional Aikido principles. High spiritual beings channeled through a medium instructed me on understanding of how the universe works. This is when things started to develop. I didn’t feel alone anymore and I became a little bit stronger. As I became stronger, I pushed away the negativities in my life. I wrote how these concepts of the universe work and I am now passionate about my life, my endeavors, my focus and my destiny. Once you begin on this path, there is no going back. I was actually teaching these concepts without applying them because I did not know they could be applied. I use these concepts more all the time and even when I begin to feel otherwise, I mentally say “I’m capable of handling this.” These concepts change your existence.

Lynn Fabia is an Aikido teacher (6th degree black belt), lecturer and author. She has always had a deep desire for higher understanding. Although she was making great strides in her profession as an Aikido instructor, there were challenges in her personal life that needed to be understood. My journey began as one who was shy, reactive and fearful of many things, causing me to be limited in my understanding of life. Then a door opened and the life concepts were through that door that took me to a place in my mind and spirit that changed my life forever. Her book “The Martial Art of Life, The Art of Intentional Living” is based on the teachings of high spiritual beings that have availed her the opportunity to learn some of the most powerful tools in mankind’s interactions. Read her personal transformation to self-actualization.

Bookmark It

Susan Harrow

Women in Martial Arts: Visit a dojo & see which discipline is right for you
By Hollis Colquhoun

I worked on Wall Street for 20 years as an institutional salesperson, then retired to stay at home and raise my 3 daughters. Around that time I blew out a disc in my lower back and had to have surgery. As I was recovering I read an article touting the therapeutic and strengthening powers of karate.

Soon after the parent of one of my youngest daughter’s friends was raving about the karate instructor her son had. I got the information and paid a visit to the dojo the following week. It is said that the hardest move in martial arts is taking the first step, but I was hooked almost immediately (even though I was twice as old as the other students).

The sensei had the right mental/ physical/ spiritual philosophy in his teaching. I kept at it through several 2 other surgeries and rehabs (cervical fusion and knee ACL) and 7 years later got my black belt. The sensei had to close the dojo soon after for economic reasons so I had to find another school. The only sensei who had the same martial arts philosophy was teaching tae kwondo (Korean) so I joined as a lower intermediate and basically started over again.

Six years later I was awarded my black belt. then got a second degree black level 18 months later. The dojo again closed for economic reasons. Fortunately a friend of mine was opening a karate dojo in my town and asked me to help him. I found my way back to karate. Through this journey I have learned the following: *Perseverance – I could have quit for valid reasons many times *Patience-the Journey is as important or more important than the Goal *Self confidence and inner strength-I now feel I’m capable of doing anything I set my mind to, and overcoming any obstacle I re-entered the workforce as a credit counselor for a nonprofit counseling agency and spoke to thousands of clients, most of whom were women in serious financial trouble.

A co-counselor and I decided to write a simple financial survival guide to promote financial education for women; our book was published last year. It is entitled “Women Empowering Themselves: A Financial Survival Guide”. In addition I have done free workshops on Financial Education and Survival Training (F.E.S.T.) to educate and empower women financially and personally. (I usually throw in some basic self-defense tactics as well.) At this point I am writing articles online, giving workshops and promoting the book, all with the purpose of providing financial education and empowerment to women.

My martial arts training has given me tremendous confidence and the desire to create that feeling of confidence in others. I believe that women should understand all of the things they are capable of, realize their worth, and take control of their personal and financial destiny. Women need to take some time on a regular basis to reflect on their life goals and build on their strengths, whether it be through meditation, taking walks, doing yoga, or becoming a karate student. Karate focuses on creating mental and physical balance  (like aikido). With commitment and practice it is empowering on many levels.
 
I would recommend karate or aikido to women of all ages. If a woman can move past her fear and/or insecurities she can take that first step into the dojo and begin an incredible journey. I was recently awarded a second degree stripe in karate and I plan to keep practicing ’til I expire! As an aside, my three daughters are in their twenties, starting careers. They have watched my martial arts progress and have found inspiration and confidence through my accomplishments. sancolquhoun@aol.com

Hollis Colquhoun is a financial professional, Accredited Financial Counselor and co-author of Women Empowering Themselves: A Financial Survival Guide.   Throughout her adult life she has tried to meet her challenges head on, whether it be recovering from back, knee and neck surgery, raising money for a high school education foundation or dealing with divorce. Being a student of martial arts for the last 16 years has given her the mental and physical strength to overcome adversity and the passion to teach other women how to find inner strength and awareness. Hollis has black belts in both karate and tae kwondo and teaches classes in self defense.

Bookmark It

Susan Harrow

Leading With the Body:  Bruce Lee’s God Daughter discusses how Martial Arts taught her leadership in all areas of her life
By Diana Lee Inosanto

How has doing martial arts helped you in your business?

I work in both the Entertainment Industry and Martial Arts Industry – both male oriented businesses. I think martial arts has helped me in my business because of the self-confidence that I project and the knowingness that I am capable to handle whatever challenge may come my way. It is a confidence that I have been told that men are not used to seeing in women and I feel that it is directly linked to my martial arts training. By the way, I used to teach world wide (like my father) with my husband, Ron Balicki, conducting seminars in the USA, Canada and Europe and many times the classes are all “male” and sometimes you really have to hold your ground as a woman instructor—not everyone accepts a woman teacher.

Because of my Martial Arts Ability I have also worked in Hollywood for 15 years as an Actress, Stuntwoman and Choreographer and trainer. Recently, I have been making the transition to Director and Producer in Hollywood. I just directed my first feature film called THE SENSEI that just came out on VOD / PPV / DVD / and Digital Media. By the way, only 6 percent of women directed TV and Motion Picture projects l last year. So, Martial Arts has helped me to rise to the occasion to get through the process of writing, directing, and producing my very first feature film despite the obstacles that I faced.

Are you a better leader?

Absolutely. I think part of being an effective leader is good communication skills both verbally and physically (in body language) which Martial Arts can provide. I have no problem communicating to men and women (especially men, because I work in male dominated industries). Growing up as a child around a martial arts school I have been raised by ‘male’ energy, and I have learned in many ways there is a lot of truth to John Gray’s book “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”

So, as a martial artist I carry myself different and I feel I have the same rights to success as anyone else. But I also walk into a room treating everyone as though they are my fellow kin.

In martial arts I have also learned to take leadership of my own health, fitness, attitude and outlook in life–this comes out in my own day-to-day interaction with people.

How has training in martial arts has changed the way you feel about your body?

I have been told by my doctors that for my age I am biologically much younger and in shape. I suppose it’s because of the role modeling I received from my father who is in amazing shape from his years of practicing and teaching martial arts. He is 73 years old, but he has the body of a 30 something-year-old and lives a very youthful life. I try to live the same way.

As a child growing up, my father has taught me that my body is my temple. You only have one temple and that you must take care of it, preserve it, treat it well and guard yourself against depression, alcoholism and drug abuse.

I’d like to hear dramatic, moving, profound before and after stories.

Where you started:

I started from the time I was a toddler. But Martial Arts was presented to me as ‘play’, a sort of game–in the home watching TV, at a restaurant, in the park. I didn’t begin formal classes until I was age 6 or 7.

During the time that I grew up around the martial arts industry, women martial artist were not around so I had to train with boys and men. I was required to do the same conditioning drills and training. My father once told me at the age of 9 years old (this was during the late 1970’s after my god-father had passed away) that I was one of five females in the country being taught Kali (Filipino martial arts) and Jeet Kune Do–the Art and Philosophy of my Late-Godfather, Bruce Lee. My father was one of the highest ranked instructors under my Honorary Uncle (Bruce) to teach his Art and Philosophy in Jeet Kune Do.

Because I had no female role models, my father would pull out the history books and his notes on women warriors who had lived over the centuries in Asia, particularly the Philippines. These historical women warriors had served with men during wartime and had lead men into battle. Some also were rulers, leaders that worked hard to protect their people and rule with men.

What training has taught you, where you are now and how it’s affected your image of yourself? I’m also after concrete tips that would help other women become calmer, centered, confident. I’m particularly interested in Aikido because of the “way of harmony” philosophy and since I began training a year ago. Please let me know the type of martial arts you do, how long you’ve been training, and your rank.

Training has taught me that I am a capable and strong woman. My training has taught me to not be afraid to challenge myself to ‘life’s opportunities”. I am a go-getter. It’s almost a form of ‘fearlessness’. Training has also taught me self-awareness, awareness of my environment and to be in a very “present” state of mind. The Martial Way is something I have applied to my professional life as a martial artist, actress, stuntwoman and now filmmaker, my life as Mother (I have one son with Autism) and Wife (Married for 15 years).

You mentioned Aikido and the “way of harmony” but many styles of martial arts have a philosophical and spiritual component like Filipino Martial Arts, Chinese Martial arts, Thai, Indonesian, etc…

So, I have trained in the martial arts since I was a small Child, but not all martial arts systems have “belt” systems of rankingŠthe knowledge is just passed on from teacher to student. But I do have a 5th Degree Black Belt in Blended Martial Arts.

I grew up training mainly in the Art and Philosophy of Jeet Kune Do / Jun Fan Gung-Fu, and Filipino Martial Arts (Kali & Arnis & Escrima),

But through the years my martial arts education was expanded and mixed to other arts listed: Muay Thai, Indonesian Silat, Savate (French Kick Boxing), Western Boxing, Kenpo Karate, Judo, Shoot Wrestling, European Sword Play, and some Wu Shu.

I grew up to have a “researcher’s” attitude and to discover what would work for me according to my body type and size and to understand my strengths, weaknesses, where my limitations lie and what type of training can serve me best in combat.

Uncle Bruce would say to my father, ‘before I studied Zen, A rock was just a rock, and a tree was just a tree, then I started studying Zen, and realized a rock was not a rock, and tree was not a tree. Now, that I understand Zen, a rock is a rock and a tree is a tree.”

Same principles were applied to martial arts but Dad would say this: When you first study martial arts, a punch is a punch and a kick is kick, a throw is a throw. Then as you study the martial arts, you realize, hey, a punch is not a punch, there are all types of punches. A kick is not a kick, because there are all types of kicks. A throw is not a throw because there are all types of throws. A lock is not a lock because there are all kinds of locks (finger locks, wrist locks, etc). And you begin to wonder, wow, this is so complex. In the final analysis you realize, hey a punch is a punch and a kick is a kick. Uncle Bruce put all the arts together: he simplified it all into one.

For instance, kicking distance comes first; you have the longest reach with our feet. Close the kicking range and you’re within hand range: that’s where the boxing comes in. Added to the boxing moves would be use of the arm, elbow, back fist, and other moves used in Gung-Fu. Then after the hand range there is the grappling range, takedowns and restraints.

But my favorite quote that I have embraced from my godfather and my dad’s teaching is “Adapt like a shadow. Respond like an echo.”

Meaning a good martial artist has no technique: he makes his opponents’ techniques his techniques. You should respond to any circumstance without prearrangement. Your action should be like the immediacy of a shadow adapting to a moving object against the sun. Thus, “Adapt like a Shadow. Respond like an Echo.”

Diana Lee Inosanto is the firstborn child of martial arts legend, Dan Inosanto, and is named after her godfather, the late Bruce Lee, from whom she gets her middle name. Ms. Inosanto grew up surrounded by a Who’s Who of the Martial World.

In addition, for over ten years, Diana worked as a stunt-actress on film and TV shows like FACE OFF, and BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER. Later, Diana associate produced and co-starred in the independent film THE PRODIGY. Currently, Ms. Inosanto is the writer-director-producer and co-star of the critically successful, festival film, “THE SENSEI” which is now enjoying it’s recent DVD and Digital Platform release nationwide on various outlets like Amazon, I-Tunes, Netflix, Blockbuster and ON DEMAND. It is an inspirational feature film that has won the endorsement of humanitarian and civil rights groups due to its message of tolerance and diversity.

I invite you to join our growing community of Martial Artists where we share videos, advice, philosophy, and fun. You don’t need to do martial arts to enjoy the conversation. All are welcome!

Bookmark It

I asked powerful women in martial arts how training in their discipline helped them overcome issues, be stronger leaders and become more confident in themselves and less-self conscious of their bodies. I received so many replies from amazing women I decided to do a Martial Arts Mini Series. I hope you enjoy their stories of strength and endurance as much as I do.

~ Susan Harrow

Shy to High-Flying Tae Kwon Do Master
By Evelyn Weiss Francisco

At age 27, I achieved a goal of black belt in Tae Kwon Do and Hapkido. I started training in 1993, and after four years of consistent training four times per week, I tested and received my black belt, which was the new beginning to my continued training and the satisfaction of reaching a short-term goal. I was the only woman at my test. It took extreme dedication and lots of physical endurance to complete an eight-week-long test that included self defense, sparring, board-breaking (I kicked through six at once – more than any of the men who tested.) and kicking and hand techniques.

Last week, at 39 years old, and after a year of two tae kwon do-injury-related surgeries, I just passed a three-hour final test (8 weeks long) for 4th-degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do (Master) and continue to train and practice my art religiously. Martial arts has empowered me both mentally and physically. It instills confidence in me in everything I do.

I was in a stale but comfortable position as an administrative assistant for a supermarket co-op. But the more I progressed in martial arts, the more it re-enforced my goal-oriented nature and my desire to excel. I am now the director of client services at Caryl Communications, a public relations firm.

By dealing with pain and overcoming challenges, confidence becomes ingrained through both inner and external strength. Being able to spar well against women and men, and being able to kick just as hard – if not harder – than a lot of the martial artists in my school, disproves the notion of women being “weak”. It helps me to feel self-assured in the workplace when communicating with executives who are my clients.

I used to be very shy and intimidated by high-ranking business people and used to let stress affect me emotionally when I would have multiple deadlines. The physical aspect of martial arts becomes a daily stress reliever and allows me to cope with all levels of work-related and other stress factors in a calmer and more logical manner. I now have the confidence to know that I can, and will, complete tasks given to me.

I also used to be very self-conscious, and while that hasn’t completely gone away, knowing that I can protect myself physically, somehow makes me walk taller and appear strong and confident at only 130 pounds. That alone makes me less of a potential victim to a predator. I am well aware of my surroundings at all times.

Evelyn Weiss Francisco is director at a public relations firm and a 4th Dan Master in Tae Kwon Do. She has been training for 16 years and has conducted women’s self-defense safety seminars. To exercise her mind and for mental therapy, she writes poetry.

Bookmark It

Photo by Elisabeth Sophia Fuchs, Vienna, Austria

Being overly sensitive to how people judge us isn’t always a sign of low self-esteem; confident women also worry about how other’s view them. We are supposed to be perfect so we work hard to maintain this status. As a successful high-achiever, I have had to learn to take risks, love myself even when I make mistakes, and appreciate my aging body.

I learned my greatest lesson in loving myself in my first improvisational acting class. I attended a week-long camp in the woods in New York. I fumbled and mumbled through every scene and hid out from my fellow campers in the evening. I knew I looked stupid and couldn’t wait to get home.

Then I met Carol Fox Prescott. After begrudgingly performing a short song and dance on stage, she blocked my retreat and told me to repeat the performance. I did. She made me do it again. I did. She said, “Until you arouse every man in this room, you can’t leave this stage.” I saw myself as a corporate trainer and keynote speaker, not a sex object. I was instructional and motivating, not seductive. She made me perform again. And again. The angrier I got, the more I belted out my song and thrusted my big butt and hips around the stage. 

After the ninth rendition, everyone cheered, hooted and whistled. I fell to the floor in tears. Carol took my hand and said, “You have disconnected from your sexuality. Until you find this beautiful part of yourself and share it with the world, you will never fully connect with your audience or anyone else in your life.” I knew in my soul that she was right.

Carol brought me back in touch with the silly, sexy, loving woman that I had lost contact with in all my years of being the perfect achiever. While trying to be the perfect performer, I was not being authentic. Now, being perfectly authentic became my goal, a nobler aspiration than trying to look and act with precision.

Another acting coach Gary Austin told me, “It’s none of your business what people think of you.” He says your business is to give 100% to what you are trying to accomplish. “For every moment you give to thinking about how someone is judging you, you are detracting from your best performance. Quit worrying about what people are thinking and you will perform so well that their opinions of you won’t matter.” Gary helped me to see the pleasure in giving 100% and that people love my messy, silly, imperfect self even more than the “confident high-achiever” self I tried so hard to uphold. I may not sing and dance on stage, but I laugh whole-heartedly with my audience and even at myself.

*If you want to know about how the brain works, check out Outsmart Your Brain: How to Make Success Feel Easy by Marcia Reynolds on Amazon or http://www.outsmartyourbrain.com/.

Bookmark It

While some women in the workplace don’t ever wake up to a different way of being “successful,” those who do often discover that their femininity and core values have been shoved to the background or edged out of their lives in a subtle but significant way.

When women want to build a stronger business team, closer friend and family relationships, or a more centered self, many hundreds have sought the expertise of Richard Strozzi-Heckler, President of Strozzi Institute, Center for Leadership and Mastery. Strozzi-Heckler’s programs are designed for people who want to be leaders in their companies and/or leaders in their own lives.

Strozzi-Heckler explains that the way we shape ourselves is the result of our response to past experiences, both positive and negative, which then determines the deep muscular and cellular patterns that have set into our body. These responses and choices become the habitual, mostly unconscious, way that we react to people, situations and our environment.

When creating leaders Strozzi-Heckler’s observations and practices go deeper than “body language.” He says that evaluating people on “body language” alone does them a disservice. He looks at the “soma,” or whole person and examines the unconscious ways people hold their bodies, respond to stress situations, react to physical and verbal surprises, and through the way they move when under pressure. A central question he asks of all his students is “Are you leading your life, or is it leading you?”

Carol, an executive in a very large manufacturing company that distributes heavy equipment worldwide, found that her life was leading her. She had unconsciously taken on male values and subverted her core feminine ones. Though she moved up quickly in the company she found she couldn’t build trust with teams. Her frustration in not making swift progress made her impatient, which in turn alienated the people on her teams. “In the process of rising within the company Carol had allowed the erosion of empathy and deep listening to replace a ’slash and burn’ style to accomplish her goals no matter what the cost to her people,” explained Strozzi-Heckler.

Over the course of one-and a half years Carol worked individually with Strozzi-Heckler on site and also involved her employees in the process of redefining their relationships to each other in order to create a cohesive team. During their coaching Carol began to get more “somatic sensibility”, an awareness of how her facial expressions, voice and tone, body shape and movements effected the members of her team. Once this awareness began to surface, crying, grief and anger erupted as well. “There was a well of emotion surrounding what she held and how she responded to the people in her life,” said Strozzi-Heckler. “She saw how she had sacrificed the core of self for a particular future she thought she wanted.”

This new awareness and change in a way of being wasn’t immediately accepted and trusted by those closest to her, however. The old patterns of behavior and response were still fresh in everyone’s mind. In the past her requests sounded like commands. Before she lost her temper she would “chew down on her teeth and her eyes would narrow.”

Strozzi-Heckler reflected these and other behaviors back to her so she could see herself through the eyes of her team. Then he worked with her to develop new practices that involved somatic body work, sitting meditation, and some exercises adapted from the martial art of Aikido. Eventually Carol began to soften and become more open. When she calmed herself down she could listen more closely “meet people in a different way” and then take more effective action.

At first Carol’s team thought the changes they observed were just a strategic move to get what she wanted out of them. Over time they saw that she was devoted to create genuine alliances, partnerships her constituency grew within the company.

Then, a few other surprising things happened first at the professional level, then at the personal level. Professionally, Carol was able to develop a culture in which she and her team could give direct and effective feedback to her and to each other. Later, her whole level of interest changed and Carol decided that she wanted to work at a non-profit. Her original mission to make a profit shifted to making a difference. She retired from corporate America and sits on four boards advising non-profits. She speaks about women and leadership, sails, and rides horses.

Things also changed dramatically at home. Carol suggested that the family begin to cook and eat dinner together. She and her husband decided to go on vacations alone with the family instead of with other families so they could spend intimate time together. She and her husband found themselves having conversations that they had put on hold for decades. And they began to discuss their shared future.
 
Perhaps the most moving thing to Carol was the shift in family dynamics, in particular with her daughter. Her daughter told her that it was an incredible virtue that her mother could truly change at age fifty and her mother became a role model for her. “What’s really touching to me is the recognition that if we change in significant ways it can live on in other generations,” said Strozzi-Heckler. ”

Richard Strozzi-Heckler, founder of the Strozzi Institute for Embodied Leadership, has a Ph.D. in Psychology and is a sixth degree black belt in the martial art of Aikido. He is the author of seven books on leadership and has worked with tens of thousands of people over the last 30 years including corporate executives, managers, political leaders, counterinsurgency agents operating behind the front lines, and inner-city gangs. His clients include U.S. Marines, U.S. Army Green Berets, U.S. Navy SEALS, AT&T, DMV, Microsoft, Sportsmind, Capital One, Barnes & Noble, and Hewlett-Packard. The Strozzi Institute mission is to produce leaders who embody pragmatic wisdom, skillful action and grounded compassion.

Bookmark It

Anne Fleming teaches women how to negotiate - Photo by Carolyn Speranza

As a 20 plus year marketing and product management veteran making six figures and travelling internationally for my employer, I had just returned home from an Asian trip when I knew it was time. Time to buy a new car. Excited about my new-to-me, ‘certified used’ BMW, I told my boss about my latest purchase. Matt asked if I had received a good deal.

“A good deal? Well, of course. I hired a negotiator and got the deal I wanted!”

Matt stared at me. He leaned back in his chair and folded his arms. After a lengthy and awkward silence, he said, “You manage a $30 million dollar business and travel the world by yourself. Why did you give your power away?” This single question ‘Why did I give my power away?’ literally altered the course of my life.

My global executive coach, Barbara Schwarck introduced me to the book Women Don’t Ask, co-authored by Linda Babcock. The book was a remarkable read and underscored research showing that while women have much success negotiating deals for our employers, when it comes to negotatiating outside the workplace many women aren’t comfortable and stay quiet or don’t ask for what they really want. In my case, I was quite capable of buying a car; I simply didn’t feel comfortable with the process and avoided its interaction by hiring someone to engage in the financial interaction on my behalf. Oh, did I say that my car salesperson was a woman? True!

The more I thought about it, I was not alone. In the United States, we do not bargain or negotiate in the mall or at the market like in Israel or China. We are a wealthy country and we are used to pulling out our Visa or debit card and paying the ticket price – on sale or not. Even at farmers market, most Americans don’t bargain – we don’t want to appear cheap.

Yes, in tough economic times we tend to bargain more – we hear more stories today of Americans ‘haggling’ over their bank/home payments or with utility or credit card companies to get better rates. Why is it that we ‘negotiate’ for our employer but we ‘haggle’ when saving money for ourselves? The word ‘haggle’ sounds nasty and cheap. Regardless, for most of us we negotiate at garage sales, when buying a home and when buying a car. Those are the major times when we negotiate outside of the professional workplace.

That being said, I started doing some research; just how many women were like me?  They may not hire a negotiator, but they have their husband, ex-husband, father, brother, boyfriend, or friend come with them to the dealership. I got my answer: 60% of the time women bring someone with them to the dealership (even when the car is exclusively for her), and when they do bring someone with them, 78% of the time it’s a man.

This stunned me. What was this all about? We women are the chief purchasing officers for over 80% of household goods and services in our country; we influence and have such buying clout. What could I do to assist in this area – the car buying process – to have women be more empowered? After all, we spend an estimated $200 billion a year at new car dealerships.

In October of 2008, I created and launched Women-Drivers.com® to address the hesitation many women experience when going to purchase a vehicle. The site connects women and families with Certified Women-Drivers Friendly™ dealers. Dealerships are recognized as women-friendly by consumers who rate their experience when purchasing, browsing and servicing their vehicles. The higher a dealers score, the higher they appear in the sites’ engine. Women are great information sharers and their real-time reviews assist future car buyers locate women-friendly dealers in their city.

Women-Drivers is a free resource that assists with the process of locating dealerships that already have a great relationship with women. As a leading market research provider educating those who serve the auto industry, it is our mission to transform the dealership experience for women by enriching and empowering their visit.

BIO: Anne Fleming once struggled with negotiating at a car dealership.
Now, she has vast knowledge in this area and shares her insights on negotiating and creating the best dealership experience possible. Anne’s goal is to empower women to take charge of their automotive experience and have it be rewarding each and every visit. Appearing in the Wall Street Journal, ABC News, USAToday, Anne has effectively used social networking to elevate her company to the national spotlight.

Bookmark It

In that moment she made the decision to go on the date just to see what it was like to be with someone who didn’t like Her. The guy was hang down miserable the whole time.

“I felt not wanted, invisible, humiliated, hurt,” says Myers. Then she looked at him and saw something surprising. He was really hurting. Myers’
inner strength surfaced and she said do herself, ‘I can handle this.” A few hours later she asked him if he wanted to take her home.

“Yeah.”

This event catalyzed a key world view for Myers and became the early seeds for her work with women and leadership. “I knew I had to love and accept myself and continue connecting to who I am as a person and to connect to purpose.”

When she got home Myers took out some paper and made a line down middle. On one side she listed what was good about herself. On the other side she listed what was bad. On the “good” side she wrote. “I’ve got smarts. I’m not pregnant. I’m not sexually active. I do my chores. I follow rules. I go to school. I’m a nice person.”

On the “bad” side she wrote…well, nothing. “I had a really hard time finding something wrong from the inside out. I don’t like to dust and mom wants me to dust. That was a pivotal moment for me then. Writing became a powerful tool for self reflection.”

Today Myers keeps the essence of what’s on her list in mind. She stays focused on bringing out who she is no matter what she looks like on the outside. Even when she glances down at her sagging stomach, which she calls her “kangaroo pouch”, the aftermath of having quadruplets. She stops herself and says, “No. I make an offer in the world. I make a difference.”

Another practice she began after breaking her back kick boxing was to imagine a tea candle inside herself right below belly button. She took pain killers, as the pain was extreme, so she could continue to work as she was on the speaking circuit. Some days on stage the flame was tall and strong. But on other days it so small a light wind could kick it out.

At those times she would say to herself, “No DeeDee. How can you feed the flame?” She kept visualizing what she wanted with her kids. Myers says that we can locate virtues inside our bodies. For example, she houses courage in her diaphragm. That’s where she goes to find the energy to do a handstand in Yoga. Continuing to find the places where we house strengths can be self generative. By locating those parts we continually connect to what’s good in us.

This is not just an occasional practice. Myers practices being in the mind-set that her body is fulfilling on what it’s made for. “I go home everyday and ask myself, ‘Was this a day well lived?” She also envisions a happy future that helps drive the present. She’ll be 68 when her quadruplets graduate from high school. What’s important to her is to be able to run, laugh and enjoy her children and that she can also live fully in her body and be alive, alert, healthy, happy.

Deedee Myers is an executive leadership coach who supports sustainable changes for individuals, teams and organizations. She is a motivational speaker and author, teacher and coach on leadership practices, effective coordination in teams and living a life of Purpose and balance. As a former triathlete and ultramarathoner Deedee is well schooled in pacing as CEO of the Advancing Leadership Institute, and mother of 9 including twins and quadruplets.

Bookmark It