Is My Butt Too Big? » Mind Body Healing

Martial Arts Mini Series on Powerful Women #10

Guest Blogger — Tue, 25 May 2010 10:04:49 +0000

I asked powerful women in martial arts how training in their discipline helped them overcome issues, be stronger leaders and become more confident in themselves and less-self conscious of their bodies. I received so many replies from amazing women I decided to do a Martial Arts Mini Series. I hope you enjoy their stories of strength and endurance as much as I do.

Susan Harrow

Martial Arts for Women: Black Belt – White Cane Fighting Blind & Meeting Her Man
By Jody W. Ianuzzi Patron Life Member USJA

A blind woman is traveling alone down a dark, deserted street. There are some people who might consider her helpless and vulnerable. I would like to change that image. That blind woman just might be me on my way to teach my judo class.

Life presents many situations and some situations can be a bit more challenging then others. As a blind child in public school, I was constantly teased and harassed because of my blindness. I remember the school yard bully, who tested my vision by punching me in the face and laughed when I didn’t see the punch coming at me. My gym teacher gave me a permanent waiver from class, after years of sitting on the side lines while the rest of the class played a variety of ball games.

Eventually, I found a solution to these challenges as well. Judo became my ultimate alternative technique. When I first heard about judo classes, I was hesitant. Based on my past experience, I didn’t think the judo instructor would consider me as a student. Happily, I was wrong! The instructor didn’t care if I could see or not. He was more interested in what I could do, and I could do judo. I sincerely mean it when I say that my life hasn’t been the same since that day.

It is now many years later. Life has come full circle. I am the instructor and I am recruiting blind and sighted members to my judo club. I want to give to my students what judo has given to me.

Unlike some martial arts, judo needs no adaptation for blind players. Blind players have been active in judo for many years, practicing with sighted players on an equal basis. My students and I have attended many tournaments and clinics, both large and small and we have never been excluded or shown any favoritism. For blind children, judo can provide an opportunity to be “just one of the kids” both at practice and when attending club activities.

This is as it should be, as it benefits both the blind and sighted players and embodies the philosophy of judo as well.

Judo is a full contact form of self-defense that includes throwing techniques, pins, chokes and joint-locks. A basic principle of judo is that a small person can throw a larger person by using the motion of the larger person to throw himself. In this way, if a person pushes you, then you pull them into a throw.

The physical benefits of judo practice include self-defense training, weight control, and physical fitness. With regular practice there is a noticeable improvement in balance, coordination and orientation. Judo is enjoyed by men and women of all ages from small children to adults. It is a great way to get back into shape and stay in shape while having a lot of fun too. One aspect of judo that I enjoy is that it challenges your mind as well as your body. Other forms of exercise can be boring and it is easy to loose interest in them.

There is a philosophical benefit to judo training. As you challenge yourself you gain a feeling of accomplishment that carries over to all aspects of life. The knowledge that you can handle a physical conflict makes a verbal conflict much less threatening. You will find that you develop a strength of mind to stand up for what you believe in, but also a strength of mind that will allow you to step back when it is wise.

As skills and attitudes develop, the school yard bully becomes less of a concern. The blind person walking down the deserted street isn’t as vulnerable as some might think. The person who attempts to be dominating, finds they are not successful.

I hope I have sparked an interest in you to learn judo. It can change your life as it has changed mine. Challenge yourself!

When I started studying the martial arts I had no idea of how completely it would change my life. I met my husband in martial arts classes and our children grew up practicing with us.

I carry a sense of calm confidence when working in our computer security business, advocating for and mentoring blind children, being politically active and of course teaching the martial arts.

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Martial Arts Mini Series on Powerful Women #8

Guest Blogger — Sat, 22 May 2010 06:49:06 +0000

Susan Harrow

Martial Arts for Women: Overcoming fear and stiff joints
By Pat Webster

I am a Ph.D. psychologist, 62 years old, female, and a second degree black belt in Shorin Ryu Karate. I walked into a karate dojo for the first time when I was 47 years old. It didn’t occur to me that I was too old, though when I was testing for my first degree black belt, and wondered why some of the other candidates were getting their kicks off a bit faster than I was, and then realized that next to me, the oldest of the bunch was 23 years younger than I and the youngest candidate was a 17 year old male, the thought went through my mind.

Karate has changed my life. I was physically and emotionally traumatized as a child. Consequently, as an adult, I often responded to threatening situations in my work or intimate relationships either with hostility or rage, or by collapsing inside and not standing up for myself.

Through karate, I became aware in my body of the survivor in me, that part of me that was there all along that persevered, that refused to give up through all that was happening. My first degree black belt test was 5 hours long. We did at least 4,000 kicks; I added them up the next day. I still keep the tally in my day-timer.

One of the principles in the martial arts, born out in the black belt test is, “When you reach that point of exhaustion, when you feel like you cant lift that leg one more time, or keep fighting when you just want to lie down, and you dig deep, and find the energy inside to keep going, that’s when you cross the ditch. That’s when you become a black belt.”

Through karate, I began to know in my body, at a cellular level, that I had the soul of a black belt through all those difficult times in my childhood. I began to feel not only my strength, but compassionate appreciation for myself.

I remember one day, when I was training for my black belt test, I was watching my Sensei, an eighth degree male black belt, and his assistant, a third degree female black belt, spar, or fight each other in the dojo. We were the only three there. They were going at it hard and heavy. The fear on my face must have been apparent. It wasn’t that I hadn’t sparred before; I had, many times. It was just how intensely the two of them were going at it.

“Big Dog,” (my karate nickname at the time, given me when I was really a “Little Dog” or a yellow belt, in the dojo) “are you SCARED?”, asked my instructor. “Yes sir I am,” was my reply. “Go gear up,” he ordered, meaning for me to put on my fighting gear. My legs were shaking in the locker room as well as when I came onto the floor to begin sparring with him.

Something happens during sparring/fighting. The fear goes away. Time slows down. The focus becomes avoiding that kick or punch, and looking for how and where you can get one in. There is a grounded focus, almost like a meditative state, that takes over. And sometimes, it even becomes fun, like it did for me that day.

Since that day, when I am about to approach something that is frightening, challenging, or difficult, I remember that the fear occurs not during the battle, but during the anticipation of the battle. This has allowed me to walk like a warrior into challenging professional and personal situations. Karate has taught me to hold my ground, calmly and with focus.

In our book, Winning at Love, my co-author Marty Groder, M.D. and I speak of the fear that we encounter in our intimate relationships when we know that we must bring up something that is difficult to discuss. My experience in karate allows me to step up to the bar and do that, even when I am afraid that I will be misunderstood, or thought to be “too much”, or nit-picky, and sometimes when I fear being verbally attacked in response.

Being a (second degree) black belt at 62 is also helping me bust my stereotypes of aging. I love that. When I look in the mirror, who I see is not what I thought a 62 year-old would look like when I was in my twenties, thirties and forties. I like how karate keeps me feeling physically healthy and mentally alert. I like that testing for my second degree black belt at 62 reminds me to keep setting exciting goals for myself, and that many things I might think to be next-to-impossible really aren’t. I want to carry that attitude into my nineties.

Lastly, martial arts are a spiritual discipline. I have studied in depth many of the spiritual mystical traditions. Many of them carry the theme of the “dark night of the soul,” or times when we make descents into difficult terrains in our soul, difficult times when we are tested, if you will by something bigger than we are. These descents may be instigated by something from the outside, such as the loss of a loved one, or a cancer diagnosis. Emerging from those dark nights, we feel stronger, we know ourselves better, and if we are really blessed, that we have had an encounter with that something bigger. Karate has taught me to martial the Warrior in myself, to keep breathing even when I’m really scared, to find that inner focus, to face my inner demons with the same interest, and yes, sometimes even fun, with which I came to approach my Sensei that day we fought. In the martial arts, before we spar, we bow to our opponent, to honor what we will learn from engaging with her or him. Karate has helped me know that sometimes those demons that we most fear are also our richest teachers.

Pat Webster, Ph.D., clinical psychologist, was intuitively drawn to martial arts when she arose with stiff legs and hips after five years of sitting most days and nights while she worked clinically in private practice by day and on her doctoral degree nights and weekends. Her doctor told her that “these things happen with age.” Pat decided to get moving and enrolled in karate. When she tested for her first degree black belt she was 23 years older than the next oldest candidate. In addition to eliminating stiffness from her knees and hips, martial arts began her on a journey she had unknowingly been taking all her life, and that was the deeper journey of the way of the warrior. Last year, at age 62, she successfully passed her second degree (Nidan) test. Today, she considers herself a “Love Warrior,” willing to work both gently and fiercely to help couples have loving, harmonious, rich, juicy relationships. She was touched years ago by Virginia Satir’s quote, “World peace begins at home.” She has just published a book, co-authored with the late Marty Groder, titled Winning at Love: The Alpha Male’s Guide to Relationship Success (2009, Bascom Hill, Minneapolis http://www.winningatlovebook.com). The book is useful for alpha males, alpha females, people who are married or partnered with an alpha male or female, or anyone wanting to improve their intimate relationship. In her lectures, workshops and speaking engagements, she encourages others to be warriors in the service of love. She says, “We live in times where many of us know how to be successful in the world. How many of us know how to make happy, fulfilling intimate partnerships?” Pat works in the world to multiply that number!

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Martial Arts Mini Series on Powerful Women #6

Guest Blogger — Wed, 19 May 2010 09:29:24 +0000

Susan Harrow

Martial Arts for Women: Sculpted Body, Sculpted Mind
By Laney Liner

Congratulations to you for practicing in the martial arts. It is really a calming approach to staying fit.

My main reason for staring MMA two years ago was medically based. I was diagnosed with an early form of breast cancer in 2007 at the age of 35 and after my surgeries, my doctors at Sloan Kettering told me I had to log a minimum of five hours of exercise each week.

I grew up as a ballerina, but realized as an adult I really didn’t love it. I also went to the gym from time to time, but never got the warm and fuzzy from it. What I did find and has propelled me forward on so many levels is the practice of Mixed Martial Arts. It is such an intense workout and the fact that you partner with another person each time is very motivating. You then have the ability to build friendships and look forward not only to the workout, but the individuals who you will also see on the mat. The individuals I generally partner with understand my limitations and work with me.

I am currently a green belt and am more than half-way towards my black belt. I am still working on my body image. Looking at me, you would say what?!? However, I think each person has their own criticisms about their body.

My husband notices how my body has changed over the past two years and it for the better. It is more sculpted and having a strong core is very important for the function of your body. I have always been a confident person, but having MMA training adds and greater sense of confidence and centeredness. Plus there is a great amount of respect that we have for the individuals who teach the skill, our Sensei or Joshu’s (teacher’s). MMA also provides a release as you are encouraged to make noise such as a loud “ki-yah” on the mat during your training session.

The ranking is not what drives me, but rather the feeling, energy and sense of calm that I experience from MMA. Plus, each time I mention that I practice MMA in a networking environment, people are intrigued. The conversation takes an interesting path since most people I meet in the networking environment do not practice in MMA.

Laney Liner, Owner of Blue Thunder Creative Group, Inc., as more than 15 years of graphic design and marketing experience to support her clients and bring success to each engagement. She provides the tools to help clients generate more income. Over the years, Laney has worked with clients including American Express, Barnes & Noble, The New York Times, Eastman Kodak, US Navy, The Bank of New York and Verizon.

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Martial Arts Mini Series on Powerful Women #5

Guest Blogger — Tue, 18 May 2010 07:23:27 +0000

Susan Harrow

Women in Martial Arts: Transformation from bullied to board breaking confident
By Nathalie Lussier

I’ve got a great story of transformation through martial arts. Here’s a little background: I started doing Tae Kwon Do (Korean martial art) when I was 11 years old, and got my black belt when I was 17. I’ve been training on and off since then and I’m 24 years old now. I was a really shy, less than confident girl before I started Tae Kwon Do, and I was actually bullied a lot as a child. I was very small framed and often spoke very softly. After Tae Kwon Do, I became immensely more confident, started to do better in school, was able to concentrate and make friends. I also got stronger physically, being able to break boards, and even defend myself if need be.

I also competed in the USA Nationals competitions and won several medals. It was quite the broadening experience for me, because I hadn’t traveled a lot as a child. This eventually led to my love to travel and exploration. It showed me what was out there. I don’t think I had ever seen so many people in one big room before, so it was just such an expansive experience to be competing in front of them.

Honestly I believe that the effect of doing martial arts goes so much deeper than the immediate changes I experienced as a child. I think I’m a lot more aware of my surroundings, more assertive, and also less fearful. It also put me in touch with my instructor, who is another strong woman who does martial arts. (You can visit her at: http://bluewavemartialartsmaine.com ) She taught me so much about life in general, and really put me on the course I am on today.

I studied to be a software programmer and graduated with a degree in Software Engineering. But after graduation I decided to follow my dreams, which were to travel to Asia. I have no doubt that my love for Asia was inspired by martial arts. I visited Korea and got to see the country where a lot of these trainings came from.

I also decided after returning from Asia that I wanted to start my own business. So I did. Now I’ve created a business that helps me teach others how to eat right. Which is something else that was planted in me at an early age through martial arts: the importance of eating properly before fights or trainings.I think martial arts is something that can change young girls’ lives like nothing else. But the effects of doing martial arts are with you forever. I know I am a better person and a happier person for it.

Nathalie Lussier turned down a job on Wall Street to start her own wellness company. She is now known as The Raw Foods Witch because she’s got magickal powers that take the spookiness out of eating more raw fruits and vegetables, so you can start feeling incredible! She was once a junk food addict, eating cookies for breakfast and stuffing my emotions with food. Now she’s taken her health back into her own hands and is helping others do the same.

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Martial Arts Mini Series on Powerful Women #4

Guest Blogger — Sun, 16 May 2010 07:19:36 +0000

Susan Harrow

Women in Martial Arts: Visit a dojo & see which discipline is right for you
By Hollis Colquhoun

I worked on Wall Street for 20 years as an institutional salesperson, then retired to stay at home and raise my 3 daughters. Around that time I blew out a disc in my lower back and had to have surgery. As I was recovering I read an article touting the therapeutic and strengthening powers of karate.

Soon after the parent of one of my youngest daughter’s friends was raving about the karate instructor her son had. I got the information and paid a visit to the dojo the following week. It is said that the hardest move in martial arts is taking the first step, but I was hooked almost immediately (even though I was twice as old as the other students).

The sensei had the right mental/ physical/ spiritual philosophy in his teaching. I kept at it through several 2 other surgeries and rehabs (cervical fusion and knee ACL) and 7 years later got my black belt. The sensei had to close the dojo soon after for economic reasons so I had to find another school. The only sensei who had the same martial arts philosophy was teaching tae kwondo (Korean) so I joined as a lower intermediate and basically started over again.

Six years later I was awarded my black belt. then got a second degree black level 18 months later. The dojo again closed for economic reasons. Fortunately a friend of mine was opening a karate dojo in my town and asked me to help him. I found my way back to karate. Through this journey I have learned the following: *Perseverance – I could have quit for valid reasons many times *Patience-the Journey is as important or more important than the Goal *Self confidence and inner strength-I now feel I’m capable of doing anything I set my mind to, and overcoming any obstacle I re-entered the workforce as a credit counselor for a nonprofit counseling agency and spoke to thousands of clients, most of whom were women in serious financial trouble.

A co-counselor and I decided to write a simple financial survival guide to promote financial education for women; our book was published last year. It is entitled “Women Empowering Themselves: A Financial Survival Guide”. In addition I have done free workshops on Financial Education and Survival Training (F.E.S.T.) to educate and empower women financially and personally. (I usually throw in some basic self-defense tactics as well.) At this point I am writing articles online, giving workshops and promoting the book, all with the purpose of providing financial education and empowerment to women.

My martial arts training has given me tremendous confidence and the desire to create that feeling of confidence in others. I believe that women should understand all of the things they are capable of, realize their worth, and take control of their personal and financial destiny. Women need to take some time on a regular basis to reflect on their life goals and build on their strengths, whether it be through meditation, taking walks, doing yoga, or becoming a karate student. Karate focuses on creating mental and physical balance (like aikido). With commitment and practice it is empowering on many levels.

I would recommend karate or aikido to women of all ages. If a woman can move past her fear and/or insecurities she can take that first step into the dojo and begin an incredible journey. I was recently awarded a second degree stripe in karate and I plan to keep practicing ’til I expire! As an aside, my three daughters are in their twenties, starting careers. They have watched my martial arts progress and have found inspiration and confidence through my accomplishments. sancolquhoun@aol.com

Hollis Colquhoun is a financial professional, Accredited Financial Counselor and co-author of Women Empowering Themselves: A Financial Survival Guide. Throughout her adult life she has tried to meet her challenges head on, whether it be recovering from back, knee and neck surgery, raising money for a high school education foundation or dealing with divorce. Being a student of martial arts for the last 16 years has given her the mental and physical strength to overcome adversity and the passion to teach other women how to find inner strength and awareness. Hollis has black belts in both karate and tae kwondo and teaches classes in self defense.

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Martial Arts Mini Series on Powerful Women #3

Guest Blogger — Fri, 14 May 2010 03:10:30 +0000

Susan Harrow

Martial Arts Keeps Your Energy High and Helps Lose Weight
By Tiffany Richards

I’ve been doing martial arts since 1998 (12 years now) and it has helped me tremendously in both my professional and personal life. I own an on-site corporate wellness firm, The Back Rub Company. We provide companies chair massage, fitness classes, wellness workshops, weight loss challenges, nutrition and more. I started out as a massage therapist and toured with Cirque du Soleil as their personal massage therapist. Once I returned from tour, I slowly transitioned out of doing massage into running the business. I had stopped training martial arts while I was on tour and getting the business up and running (about 4 years).

I noticed that once I went from being active everyday (spiritually and physically) to becoming a ‘desk worker’ my energy levels dropped, I started to gain weight and I began to lack patience to say the least. I knew that I had to go back to training or I would flip! Martial arts has become an integral part of my life.

Professionally, it has helped me to stay grounded, focused and become a better leader. The fundamental teachings of martial arts, especially my system, are to ‘flow’ like water, blend with the opponent/ circumstance and then redirect the energy. This is so essential in business where we can’t control certain situations so becoming aware, opening up and then committing to and acting on a decision is vital.

Personally, I have more energy, I’ve dropped 30 pounds since I started training again and I feel amazing about my strength, flexibility and the way my body has bounced back into shape! I also fell like my spirit is back, like I’m more connected with my inner wisdom/knowing. Training the martial arts is a lifestyle. This is a way to live one’s life in a profound manner. Everything overlaps.

I train a system called Kensho-Do in Phoenix. It is the only system of its kind and is a blend of both hard and soft styles. It’s a myriad of systems, mainly Chinese Kenpo, Shorei-Ryu, and Tai Liu Chuan Fa Kung Fu. We also blend Aikido, Jeet Kune Do (Bruce Lee’s system), Pananjakman (a Filipino kicking system), Aiki Jujitsu and more. Kensho-Do is not an art of controlling the physical body, but rather the art of controlling one’s mind. For once you can control the mind the body will perform knowing no physical limits.

Tips:

Meditate everyday – just a few minutes of quiet time can help get you re-focused, re-energized and clear your head. You can do it anywhere. Even if you’re at work, just push your chair away from your desk, sit back, close your eyes and breathe.
Take the teachings of martial arts (flowing, blending, re-directing, grounding, balancing, etc.) and apply them to everyday situations.
Find a system that works for you and go with it. You may like the hard, quick movements found in karate or you may be drawn to the flowing, pretty (but deadly) movements found in Kung Fu. Try a few systems and go with your intuition.
Challenge yourself. For most martial artists, this is a lifestyle. It changes the way you think and interact with others and especially yourself. Don’t give up. You can do anything you put your mind to.

Tiffany Richards toured with Cirque du Soleil as their personal massage therapist before launching The Back Rub Company, and on-site corporate wellness firm providing chair massage, fitness classes, nutrition, disease prevention, weight loss programs, stress-reduction seminars and more, in 2005. With more than 100 wellness experts throughout the U.S., The Back Rub Company provides education, healing and stress-relief to thousands. Health and wellness has always been a part of Tiffany’s life and martial arts has played a valuable role in that. She is passionate about what she does and walks the talk. Her personal life and business life are fully integrated. Tiffany believes strongly in setting goals, putting on her big girl panties and enjoying the ride!

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The Truth About Changing Your Mind

Guest Blogger — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 09:33:23 +0000

by Dr. Marcia Reynolds

The Problem: You want to change your mind—to stop beating yourself up, to stop being afraid, and to stop spiraling into worry or negativity. You want to change your self-talk and emotions to feel better about yourself.

Unfortunately, you can’t just change your thoughts to change your mind. What neuroscientists now know about how the brain operates proves that self talk doesn’t completely work.* It is not possible to just think your way to a new attitude.

No matter how hard we try, we can’t seem to stop the negative mental chatter that leads to needless frustration, worrying, arguing, and eventually a numbing process that restricts access to joy and passion. Then we wonder why life is not much fun anymore, and our attitude sucks.

Instead of changing your self-talk to create success, you have to first feel your way there.

The Solution: Shift how you feel in the moment to a higher level emotion, such as gratitude, laughter (see yourself as a grand source of amusement), pride, compassion, or love.

First, you have to work on being present to the moment. Frequently stop and ask yourself how you are feeling. Then ask yourself if you would like to feel better. You must be willing to change or nothing else will work.

Then if you find yourself feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, fearful, or just plain stuck, take one of the following actions:

Clear the air. Do something to shift your energy. Take a shower, change your clothes, or tidy up your office. If you’re at home, vacuum the living room, open a window, or even change the sheets on your bed. As you take these simple actions, imagine yourself clearing energy blocks that might be fueling your bad mood.
Use your senses to shift your feeling. Recall a favorite smell and why the smell makes you feel good. Recall a favorite childhood song and start singing it out loud (Trust me, singing “Row, row, row your boat” will make you smile). Pick up an inspirational book, open to any page and start reading. For some people, taking a nap or watching a movie can do the trick. Sometimes it helps to shut your mind down for a while by resting or passively watching the world through someone else’s eyes.
Put on some music. There’s nothing that can shift a mood quicker than music. Choose a CD that makes your feet move, one that makes your heart swell, or one you can sing along with.
Get into motion. If you are still stuck mentally, move your body. For example, when you are angry with yourself, take a brisk walk, go on a bike ride, or go to a yoga or exercise class. The part of the brain that controls movement sits next to the emotional center, so there is a direct affect from exercise on your mood.

Change your feelings and you will change your mind. This is how you outsmart your negative brain.

*If you want to read a clear explanation about how the brain works, check out Outsmart Your Brain: How to Make Success Feel Easy by Marcia Reynolds on Amazon or www.Outsmartyourbrain.com.

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Two-Legged Dog: The Power of Paws

Susan Harrow — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 10:57:26 +0000

A friend sent this story to me…

This dog was born on Christmas Eve in the year 2002. He was born with 2 legs! He of course could not walk when he was born. Even his mother did not want him.

His first owner also did not think that he could survive and he was thinking of ‘putting him to sleep’. But then, his present owner, Jude Stringfellow, met him and wanted to take care of him. She became determined to teach and train this little dog to walk by himself. She named him ‘Faith’.

In the beginning, she put Faith on a surfboard to let him feel the movement. Later she used peanut butter on a spoon as a lure and reward for him for standing up and jumping around. Even the other dog at home encouraged him to walk. Amazingly, only after 6 months, like a miracle, Faith learned to balance on his hind legs and to jump to move forward. After further training in the snow, he could now walk like a human being.

Faith loves to walk around now. No matter where he goes, he attracts people to him. He is fast becoming famous on the international scene and has appeared on various newspapers and TV shows.

There is now a book entitled ‘With a Little Faith’ being published about him. He was even considered to appear in one of Harry Potter movies.

His present owner Jude Stringfellew has given up her teaching post and plans to take him around the world to preach that even without a perfect body, one can have a perfect soul’.

In life there are always undesirable things, so in order to feel better you just need to look at life from another direction.

I hope this message will bring fresh new ways of thinking to everyone and that everyone will appreciate and be thankful for each beautiful day.

Faith is the continual demonstration of the strength and wonder of life.

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Do You Chow Down in the Closet?

Susan Harrow — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 07:44:36 +0000

Are you a closet eater? Do you sneak food? Are you someone who hoards cookies, cakes, chips, and other yummy stuff so you can eat in privacy away from prying eyes?

I was.

In my early teens I learned to eat in the closet, literally. I inhaled sweets. In the mornings before school I’d fake that I’d eaten a bowl of cereal by putting a few flakes and a dash of milk in the bowl and deposit it in the sink. Then I’d get into my father’s airtight cookie bin and take 10 Oreos up to my room and savor them privately, in my walk-in closet…with guilt. I was 5′2″ 105 pounds. I was athletic, popular, and never thought about barfing or purging. I wanted to lose 5 pounds. But I wasn’t about to give up cookies to do it.

What drove me into the closet was shame. Disapproving looks came first. Then words. Early on questions from my parents and relatives like, “Are you sure you want a second helping?” “Do you want to eat that?” “What, another cookie?” turned me into a sneak. I wanted to eat where I could enjoy myself. In private.

I ate because of the luxurious deliciousness of sugar. I ate for the pleasure of companionship with other girls my age when we bought Ho Hos and Ding Dongs and boxes of Entenmann’s cookies and talked for hours together about intimate things. Dessert and confidential conversations became synonymous with the creation of a secret world, the secret world of girls, soft and dreamy, behind locked bedroom doors where we could share our thoughts — without adult intrusion or snooping. This was short lived.

The intrusion of mothers came by example. One chubby mother would eat a whole box of chocolates and then say, “I hate myself.” Another friend’s slim mother would smoke cigarettes at the kitchen table lost in thought, easy in our presence, while my friend and I would eat home made bialys smeared with lox and cream cheese happily chattering away.

In time I came to recognize the difference between self destruction and punishment through food and eating food for nourishment and deepening the bonds of intimacy through shared experience and pleasure.

But I still have remnants of the sneak eating. The other day I bought a flourless chocolate cake for my book group meeting at our home. There were a few pieces left over so I put them in the laundry room out of sight so I would only eat a piece if I really wanted it. I found myself waiting until my sweetie left the kitchen to seek out those last morsels. I caught myself feeling the familiar impulse to hide.

So I put the cake back and waited until he returned and then ate a piece while enjoying his company. I’m building new neural pathways in my brain to eradicate the shame. Continuing to associate the pleasure of companionship with the enjoyment of food gives me those same good feelings I had with my girlfriends, filmy, fluid and fun. I even tell my sweetie a secret or two over pudding, lemon curd, or cake, and feel good about it.

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Body Image Survey on Strategies to Love Your Body

Susan Harrow — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 06:10:52 +0000

The below is from a Psychology Today study by David Garner. I love not only the variety of responses, but the different ages and perspectives.

One of the major goals of the 1997 Body Image Survey was to learn more about how people have remade their image. Though we anticipated receiving a few brief suggestions, we were inundated with your personal accounts of change. We have summarized your suggestions but kept your words. Try and discover what factors play a role in your struggle with your body. And be deliberate about creating a lifestyle that increases your chances for ending the war with your body.

Develop criteria for self-esteem that go beyond appearance.
One way to make appearance less important is to develop other benchmarks for self-evaluation. A 51-year-old woman from California summarizes the approach: “By achieving in other areas, balancing successes and failures, searching where positives are possible.” A 53-year-old Washington man says, “focusing on succeeding at work, participating in sports, and friendships have helped me overcome my negative body feelings.”

Cultivate the ability to appreciate your body, especially how it functions.
One middle-aged women writes: “I have often wanted to write an article called ‘I Have a Beautiful Body.’ No. I don’t look like Jane Fonda. I look like a normal 46-year-old woman who has had three children. But my body is beautiful because of all it does for me. I have two eyes that can see, a large nose for smelling, a large mouth for eating and smiling, two hands that can hold and hug, two breasts that have nursed three sons, an abdomen that was home to three babies, two legs that can walk everywhere I want to go, and two feet to take me there.”

“I have extremely red hair and as a child I hated it because it was so different,” says a 20-year-old woman from California. “I have come to realize that my hair is a beautiful and exotic part of me. Now I cherish it.”

Engage in behavior that makes you feel good about yourself.
“When I have negative thoughts and feelings about my physical appearance, I try to behave in a way that turns them around, like exercise and buying a piece of clothing that enhances my appearance,” says a 30-year-old Missouri woman.”

Although Rubenesque at age 54, I currently model nude for a local university art school, meditate daily to focus inward, and enjoy dancing, swimming, archery, art, and my writing projects,” says a Georgia woman.

Reduce your exposure to noxious images.
“I stopped buying fashion magazines completely when I was about 24,” says a 30-year-old woman from Michigan. “Comparing myself to the models had a very strong and negative impact.”

“One of the things that helped me become more accepting of my body was the realization that it was okay to be female,” says a 67-year-old woman from Ohio. “It sounds hokey, but watching old movies starring Sophia Loren and Ava Gardner helped. These women had shoulders, and breasts, and hips, and are some of the sexiest women I have ever seen.”

Exercise for strength, fitness, and health, not just weight control.
“When I was able to stop focusing on how my body looked and began experiencing what it could help me accomplish — climbing, swimming, cycling, surviving in the wilderness — it made me feel extremely satisfied,” says a 28-year-old woman from Louisiana.”

About a year ago I started walking every day for about an hour,” says a 22-year-old woman from New York. “Because I was walking I felt so good. I also lost 10 pounds, but that didn’t matter. My attitude changed because I cared about my health.”

Seek out others who respect and care about your body; teach them how to talk about and touch your body.
“The most recent experience that has helped has been a lover,” says a 67-year-old Ohio woman. “He makes me glad to be in this body with this shape and these dimensions.”

Get out abusive relationships.
“If my partner didn’t like my appearance, he would no longer be my partner,” says a 31-year-old woman from Alabama. “I eliminate the negative.”

Identify and change habitual negative thoughts about your body.
“I constructed a tape of positive self-talk with personal goals and feelings I want to achieve,” says a 25-year-old Washington woman. “When I have a bad attitude about my body, I pop in my tape. It really helps improve my self-image.”

“When I look in the mirror at my body I always try to say nice things rather than cringe,” continues the wise-beyond-her-years 25-year-old.

Decode more complicated thoughts about the body.
Are negative thoughts and feelings about your body distracting you from other issues that are really bothering you? A 60-year-old woman writes: “A factor that has helped me come to terms with my body was recognizing that much of my relationship problems had more to do with shyness and lack of social skills than physical appearance. Once I worked on my people skills, found that I worried less about my appearance.”

If you can’t get over your bad body image, consider seeking professional help.
“I was bulimic for 12 years,” says a 36-year-old woman from Oregon. “My recovery was based on individual counseling, support from friends, and a hell of a lot of hard work on my part.”

Control what you can, forget about what you can’t.
“As far as negativity about my physical appearance,” says a 33-year-old woman from Michigan, “I’ve had one simple rule: work on improving what you can realistically change, and don’t spend time worrying about the rest.”

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