The Problem: You want to change your mind—to stop beating yourself up, to stop being afraid, and to stop spiraling into worry or negativity. You want to change your self-talk and emotions to feel better about yourself.

Unfortunately, you can’t just change your thoughts to change your mind. What neuroscientists now know about how the brain operates proves that self talk doesn’t completely work.* It is not possible to just think your way to a new attitude.

No matter how hard we try, we can’t seem to stop the negative mental chatter that leads to needless frustration, worrying, arguing, and eventually a numbing process that restricts access to joy and passion. Then we wonder why life is not much fun anymore, and our attitude sucks.

Instead of changing your self-talk to create success, you have to first feel your way there.

The Solution: Shift how you feel in the moment to a higher level emotion, such as gratitude, laughter (see yourself as a grand source of amusement), pride, compassion, or love.

First, you have to work on being present to the moment. Frequently stop and ask yourself how you are feeling. Then ask yourself if you would like to feel better. You must be willing to change or nothing else will work.

Then if you find yourself feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, fearful, or just plain stuck, take one of the following actions:

1. Clear the air. Do something to shift your energy. Take a shower, change your clothes, or tidy up your office. If you’re at home, vacuum the living room, open a window, or even change the sheets on your bed. As you take these simple actions, imagine yourself clearing energy blocks that might be fueling your bad mood.
2. Use your senses to shift your feeling. Recall a favorite smell and why the smell makes you feel good. Recall a favorite childhood song and start singing it out loud (Trust me, singing “Row, row, row your boat” will make you smile). Pick up an inspirational book, open to any page and start reading. For some people, taking a nap or watching a movie can do the trick. Sometimes it helps to shut your mind down for a while by resting or passively watching the world through someone else’s eyes.
3. Put on some music. There’s nothing that can shift a mood quicker than music. Choose a CD that makes your feet move, one that makes your heart swell, or one you can sing along with. 
4. Get into motion. If you are still stuck mentally, move your body. For example, when you are angry with yourself, take a brisk walk, go on a bike ride, or go to a yoga or exercise class. The part of the brain that controls movement sits next to the emotional center, so there is a direct affect from exercise on your mood.

Change your feelings and you will change your mind. This is how you outsmart your negative brain.

*If you want to read a clear explanation about how the brain works, check out Outsmart Your Brain: How to Make Success Feel Easy by Marcia Reynolds on Amazon or www.Outsmartyourbrain.com.

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Photo by Elisabeth Sophia Fuchs, Vienna, Austria

Being overly sensitive to how people judge us isn’t always a sign of low self-esteem; confident women also worry about how other’s view them. We are supposed to be perfect so we work hard to maintain this status. As a successful high-achiever, I have had to learn to take risks, love myself even when I make mistakes, and appreciate my aging body.

I learned my greatest lesson in loving myself in my first improvisational acting class. I attended a week-long camp in the woods in New York. I fumbled and mumbled through every scene and hid out from my fellow campers in the evening. I knew I looked stupid and couldn’t wait to get home.

Then I met Carol Fox Prescott. After begrudgingly performing a short song and dance on stage, she blocked my retreat and told me to repeat the performance. I did. She made me do it again. I did. She said, “Until you arouse every man in this room, you can’t leave this stage.” I saw myself as a corporate trainer and keynote speaker, not a sex object. I was instructional and motivating, not seductive. She made me perform again. And again. The angrier I got, the more I belted out my song and thrusted my big butt and hips around the stage. 

After the ninth rendition, everyone cheered, hooted and whistled. I fell to the floor in tears. Carol took my hand and said, “You have disconnected from your sexuality. Until you find this beautiful part of yourself and share it with the world, you will never fully connect with your audience or anyone else in your life.” I knew in my soul that she was right.

Carol brought me back in touch with the silly, sexy, loving woman that I had lost contact with in all my years of being the perfect achiever. While trying to be the perfect performer, I was not being authentic. Now, being perfectly authentic became my goal, a nobler aspiration than trying to look and act with precision.

Another acting coach Gary Austin told me, “It’s none of your business what people think of you.” He says your business is to give 100% to what you are trying to accomplish. “For every moment you give to thinking about how someone is judging you, you are detracting from your best performance. Quit worrying about what people are thinking and you will perform so well that their opinions of you won’t matter.” Gary helped me to see the pleasure in giving 100% and that people love my messy, silly, imperfect self even more than the “confident high-achiever” self I tried so hard to uphold. I may not sing and dance on stage, but I laugh whole-heartedly with my audience and even at myself.

*If you want to know about how the brain works, check out Outsmart Your Brain: How to Make Success Feel Easy by Marcia Reynolds on Amazon or http://www.outsmartyourbrain.com/.

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While some women in the workplace don’t ever wake up to a different way of being “successful,” those who do often discover that their femininity and core values have been shoved to the background or edged out of their lives in a subtle but significant way.

When women want to build a stronger business team, closer friend and family relationships, or a more centered self, many hundreds have sought the expertise of Richard Strozzi-Heckler, President of Strozzi Institute, Center for Leadership and Mastery. Strozzi-Heckler’s programs are designed for people who want to be leaders in their companies and/or leaders in their own lives.

Strozzi-Heckler explains that the way we shape ourselves is the result of our response to past experiences, both positive and negative, which then determines the deep muscular and cellular patterns that have set into our body. These responses and choices become the habitual, mostly unconscious, way that we react to people, situations and our environment.

When creating leaders Strozzi-Heckler’s observations and practices go deeper than “body language.” He says that evaluating people on “body language” alone does them a disservice. He looks at the “soma,” or whole person and examines the unconscious ways people hold their bodies, respond to stress situations, react to physical and verbal surprises, and through the way they move when under pressure. A central question he asks of all his students is “Are you leading your life, or is it leading you?”

Carol, an executive in a very large manufacturing company that distributes heavy equipment worldwide, found that her life was leading her. She had unconsciously taken on male values and subverted her core feminine ones. Though she moved up quickly in the company she found she couldn’t build trust with teams. Her frustration in not making swift progress made her impatient, which in turn alienated the people on her teams. “In the process of rising within the company Carol had allowed the erosion of empathy and deep listening to replace a ’slash and burn’ style to accomplish her goals no matter what the cost to her people,” explained Strozzi-Heckler.

Over the course of one-and a half years Carol worked individually with Strozzi-Heckler on site and also involved her employees in the process of redefining their relationships to each other in order to create a cohesive team. During their coaching Carol began to get more “somatic sensibility”, an awareness of how her facial expressions, voice and tone, body shape and movements effected the members of her team. Once this awareness began to surface, crying, grief and anger erupted as well. “There was a well of emotion surrounding what she held and how she responded to the people in her life,” said Strozzi-Heckler. “She saw how she had sacrificed the core of self for a particular future she thought she wanted.”

This new awareness and change in a way of being wasn’t immediately accepted and trusted by those closest to her, however. The old patterns of behavior and response were still fresh in everyone’s mind. In the past her requests sounded like commands. Before she lost her temper she would “chew down on her teeth and her eyes would narrow.”

Strozzi-Heckler reflected these and other behaviors back to her so she could see herself through the eyes of her team. Then he worked with her to develop new practices that involved somatic body work, sitting meditation, and some exercises adapted from the martial art of Aikido. Eventually Carol began to soften and become more open. When she calmed herself down she could listen more closely “meet people in a different way” and then take more effective action.

At first Carol’s team thought the changes they observed were just a strategic move to get what she wanted out of them. Over time they saw that she was devoted to create genuine alliances, partnerships her constituency grew within the company.

Then, a few other surprising things happened first at the professional level, then at the personal level. Professionally, Carol was able to develop a culture in which she and her team could give direct and effective feedback to her and to each other. Later, her whole level of interest changed and Carol decided that she wanted to work at a non-profit. Her original mission to make a profit shifted to making a difference. She retired from corporate America and sits on four boards advising non-profits. She speaks about women and leadership, sails, and rides horses.

Things also changed dramatically at home. Carol suggested that the family begin to cook and eat dinner together. She and her husband decided to go on vacations alone with the family instead of with other families so they could spend intimate time together. She and her husband found themselves having conversations that they had put on hold for decades. And they began to discuss their shared future.
 
Perhaps the most moving thing to Carol was the shift in family dynamics, in particular with her daughter. Her daughter told her that it was an incredible virtue that her mother could truly change at age fifty and her mother became a role model for her. “What’s really touching to me is the recognition that if we change in significant ways it can live on in other generations,” said Strozzi-Heckler. ”

Richard Strozzi-Heckler, founder of the Strozzi Institute for Embodied Leadership, has a Ph.D. in Psychology and is a sixth degree black belt in the martial art of Aikido. He is the author of seven books on leadership and has worked with tens of thousands of people over the last 30 years including corporate executives, managers, political leaders, counterinsurgency agents operating behind the front lines, and inner-city gangs. His clients include U.S. Marines, U.S. Army Green Berets, U.S. Navy SEALS, AT&T, DMV, Microsoft, Sportsmind, Capital One, Barnes & Noble, and Hewlett-Packard. The Strozzi Institute mission is to produce leaders who embody pragmatic wisdom, skillful action and grounded compassion.

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Check this out — Booties to go.
While this product may not help your health, it can cause a heads to turn bolstering your self-esteem…

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This dog was born on Christmas Eve in the year 2002. He was born with 2 legs! He of course could not walk when he was born. Even his mother did not want him.

His first owner also did not think that he could survive and he was thinking of ‘putting him to sleep’.  But then, his present owner, Jude Stringfellow, met him and wanted to take care of him.  She became determined to teach and train this little dog to walk by himself.  She named him ‘Faith’.

In the beginning, she put Faith on a surfboard to let him feel the movement.  Later she used peanut butter on a spoon as a lure and reward  for him for standing up and jumping around.  Even the other dog at home  encouraged him to walk.  Amazingly, only after 6 months, like a  miracle, Faith learned to balance on his hind legs and to jump to move  forward.  After further training in the snow, he could now walk like a  human being.

Faith loves to walk around now.  No matter where he goes, he attracts people to him.  He is fast becoming famous on the international scene and has appeared on various newspapers and TV shows.

There is now a book entitled ‘With a Little Faith’ being published about him.  He was even considered to appear in one of Harry Potter movies.

His present owner Jude Stringfellew has given up her teaching post and plans to take him around the world  to preach that even without a perfect body, one can have a perfect soul’.

In life there are always undesirable things, so in order to feel better you just need to look at life from another direction.

I hope this message will bring fresh new ways of thinking to everyone and that everyone will appreciate and be thankful for each beautiful day.

Faith is the continual demonstration of the strength and wonder of life.

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Anne Fleming teaches women how to negotiate - Photo by Carolyn Speranza

As a 20 plus year marketing and product management veteran making six figures and travelling internationally for my employer, I had just returned home from an Asian trip when I knew it was time. Time to buy a new car. Excited about my new-to-me, ‘certified used’ BMW, I told my boss about my latest purchase. Matt asked if I had received a good deal.

“A good deal? Well, of course. I hired a negotiator and got the deal I wanted!”

Matt stared at me. He leaned back in his chair and folded his arms. After a lengthy and awkward silence, he said, “You manage a $30 million dollar business and travel the world by yourself. Why did you give your power away?” This single question ‘Why did I give my power away?’ literally altered the course of my life.

My global executive coach, Barbara Schwarck introduced me to the book Women Don’t Ask, co-authored by Linda Babcock. The book was a remarkable read and underscored research showing that while women have much success negotiating deals for our employers, when it comes to negotatiating outside the workplace many women aren’t comfortable and stay quiet or don’t ask for what they really want. In my case, I was quite capable of buying a car; I simply didn’t feel comfortable with the process and avoided its interaction by hiring someone to engage in the financial interaction on my behalf. Oh, did I say that my car salesperson was a woman? True!

The more I thought about it, I was not alone. In the United States, we do not bargain or negotiate in the mall or at the market like in Israel or China. We are a wealthy country and we are used to pulling out our Visa or debit card and paying the ticket price – on sale or not. Even at farmers market, most Americans don’t bargain – we don’t want to appear cheap.

Yes, in tough economic times we tend to bargain more – we hear more stories today of Americans ‘haggling’ over their bank/home payments or with utility or credit card companies to get better rates. Why is it that we ‘negotiate’ for our employer but we ‘haggle’ when saving money for ourselves? The word ‘haggle’ sounds nasty and cheap. Regardless, for most of us we negotiate at garage sales, when buying a home and when buying a car. Those are the major times when we negotiate outside of the professional workplace.

That being said, I started doing some research; just how many women were like me?  They may not hire a negotiator, but they have their husband, ex-husband, father, brother, boyfriend, or friend come with them to the dealership. I got my answer: 60% of the time women bring someone with them to the dealership (even when the car is exclusively for her), and when they do bring someone with them, 78% of the time it’s a man.

This stunned me. What was this all about? We women are the chief purchasing officers for over 80% of household goods and services in our country; we influence and have such buying clout. What could I do to assist in this area – the car buying process – to have women be more empowered? After all, we spend an estimated $200 billion a year at new car dealerships.

In October of 2008, I created and launched Women-Drivers.com® to address the hesitation many women experience when going to purchase a vehicle. The site connects women and families with Certified Women-Drivers Friendly™ dealers. Dealerships are recognized as women-friendly by consumers who rate their experience when purchasing, browsing and servicing their vehicles. The higher a dealers score, the higher they appear in the sites’ engine. Women are great information sharers and their real-time reviews assist future car buyers locate women-friendly dealers in their city.

Women-Drivers is a free resource that assists with the process of locating dealerships that already have a great relationship with women. As a leading market research provider educating those who serve the auto industry, it is our mission to transform the dealership experience for women by enriching and empowering their visit.

BIO: Anne Fleming once struggled with negotiating at a car dealership.
Now, she has vast knowledge in this area and shares her insights on negotiating and creating the best dealership experience possible. Anne’s goal is to empower women to take charge of their automotive experience and have it be rewarding each and every visit. Appearing in the Wall Street Journal, ABC News, USAToday, Anne has effectively used social networking to elevate her company to the national spotlight.

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Experienced and beginner Aikidokas (Aikido practitioners) were stretched by Stevens’ examples of how to practice. During our time together he demonstrated eight ways of doing the first pillar of Aikido, Shiho-Nage, 4-directions throw. When we began to practice there was some confusion given that training ingrains certain movements and expectations and builds in muscle memory. When learning something new there is a retraining of the brain, the mind, the spirit, the body.

Stevens continually said, “This is training. This is practice, eh?” He has a lovely lightness to his presence and  practice. He said that, at this time in his life, because he couldn’t use as much physical power in Aikido he had a much better understanding of its essence. This came through quite clearly when he demonstrated throws. The energy and lightness of his touch is something I want to emulate.

One of my favorite parts of the weekend was learning Kototama, the secret sacred sounds of Aikido. These sounds evidently sunk in to my unconscious mind. My sweetie informed me that I was practicing them (loudly) in my dreams and was driven from the bedroom to the guest room so he could get some sleep!

You can hear John Stevens Sensei performing Kototama or sound meditation in a church in The Netherlands here. He said that on the first take he was too self-conscious about how he sounded so it didn’t turn out. It was only when he forgot himself that he found the freedom to let the sounds come through unobstructed.

As you can hear, they came out whole and strong and clear. I find that when I media coach people this is true for them too. When we speak from a place of no-thinking our stories universally come out whole and complete. They don’t need editing. If we can drop into this place and rest there our thoughts and actions serve us well.

After two hours of practice we took a break for lunch and then began several hours of calligraphy using breath, kiais (short yell before or during a strike or technique) and lots of ink and paper. Of course our practice and life experience show up here as well; In the way a line is too thin or forced or broken, how we flow, the way we begin and end a stroke, our attention, the ways we stop ourselves or critique in the middle of doing. Whether we will it or not who we are is seen clearly, in the black ink of our doing and on the white paper of possibility.

Stevens suggested we put up our Calligraphy in the dojo and live with it, and watch how it evolves. He commented on how our sensei, Hans Goto’s, strokes had changed since last year. Both of them have been practicing Aikido for over 35 years. Often we don’t notice the shifts that happen over time as we move through our busy lives as we do.

Since starting to practice Aikido I’ll try to apply what I learn there to PR and to life. The phrase, “How you do anything is how you do everything” has truth to it. When you put yourself out in the world and connect with others everything shows up: whether you’re doing calligraphy, cutting a flower, speaking to your children, or handling yourself on-camera, we see who you are.

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In that moment she made the decision to go on the date just to see what it was like to be with someone who didn’t like Her. The guy was hang down miserable the whole time.

“I felt not wanted, invisible, humiliated, hurt,” says Myers. Then she looked at him and saw something surprising. He was really hurting. Myers’
inner strength surfaced and she said do herself, ‘I can handle this.” A few hours later she asked him if he wanted to take her home.

“Yeah.”

This event catalyzed a key world view for Myers and became the early seeds for her work with women and leadership. “I knew I had to love and accept myself and continue connecting to who I am as a person and to connect to purpose.”

When she got home Myers took out some paper and made a line down middle. On one side she listed what was good about herself. On the other side she listed what was bad. On the “good” side she wrote. “I’ve got smarts. I’m not pregnant. I’m not sexually active. I do my chores. I follow rules. I go to school. I’m a nice person.”

On the “bad” side she wrote…well, nothing. “I had a really hard time finding something wrong from the inside out. I don’t like to dust and mom wants me to dust. That was a pivotal moment for me then. Writing became a powerful tool for self reflection.”

Today Myers keeps the essence of what’s on her list in mind. She stays focused on bringing out who she is no matter what she looks like on the outside. Even when she glances down at her sagging stomach, which she calls her “kangaroo pouch”, the aftermath of having quadruplets. She stops herself and says, “No. I make an offer in the world. I make a difference.”

Another practice she began after breaking her back kick boxing was to imagine a tea candle inside herself right below belly button. She took pain killers, as the pain was extreme, so she could continue to work as she was on the speaking circuit. Some days on stage the flame was tall and strong. But on other days it so small a light wind could kick it out.

At those times she would say to herself, “No DeeDee. How can you feed the flame?” She kept visualizing what she wanted with her kids. Myers says that we can locate virtues inside our bodies. For example, she houses courage in her diaphragm. That’s where she goes to find the energy to do a handstand in Yoga. Continuing to find the places where we house strengths can be self generative. By locating those parts we continually connect to what’s good in us.

This is not just an occasional practice. Myers practices being in the mind-set that her body is fulfilling on what it’s made for. “I go home everyday and ask myself, ‘Was this a day well lived?” She also envisions a happy future that helps drive the present. She’ll be 68 when her quadruplets graduate from high school. What’s important to her is to be able to run, laugh and enjoy her children and that she can also live fully in her body and be alive, alert, healthy, happy.

Deedee Myers is an executive leadership coach who supports sustainable changes for individuals, teams and organizations. She is a motivational speaker and author, teacher and coach on leadership practices, effective coordination in teams and living a life of Purpose and balance. As a former triathlete and ultramarathoner Deedee is well schooled in pacing as CEO of the Advancing Leadership Institute, and mother of 9 including twins and quadruplets.

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[I have] Fear of publicity: What do you suggest for a writer with a small ego and who abhors fame? My biggest fear would be getting ON the Oprah show. Can’t I just be a well paid recluse? (I discovered my fear of public speaking years ago while getting a degree in PR!)

In journalism I was good at interviewing- off camera- so I realize it’s a control issue. CNBC show encouraged me with your branding and sound bite suggestions, taking back control. My appearance is professional. I worked for years in sales and am outgoing and assertive in a small group, until I’m the center of attention. Please suggest which book I would best start with.

Signed,
Secretly Wimpy

P.S. please don’t post my name on a blog!

You’re not alone. I’m shy by nature and outgoing by training. And a lot of my clients are just like you. They are my favorites as they have great gifts to give the world. You can learn to be relaxed under pressure so you can be creative. It’s a practice, just like writing.

1. Start with Sell Yourself Without Selling Your Soul. 
2. Listen to the free teleclass how to become a soundbite genius. (The others would be good too, but this focuses on being public).
3. Do you have speaking circles in your area? I suggest you start going.

Remember small steps consistently. It’s all about training and practice so you can get comfortable under pressure.

Keep me posted on your progress. I’d like to hear about your process if you’re willing to share. I promise to keep all of our correspondence confidential.

Warmly,
Susan

Thank you for your kind reply and encouraging words! I’m going to get the book today.

After I wrote the email I created two folders, one with your name on it (for your generous free downloads) and one with ideas on how to market/brand/promote myself.

I know my ‘desire for success’ vibration is being weakened by my ‘privacy and anonymity desire’, as well as my fear of public speaking. I needed some new downstream thoughts, such as success=calm, but where would I find this? My favorite Louise Hay card is “I am safe, it’s only change,” but it wasn’t enough for the realities and pitfalls of media today. I just happened to turn on CNBC right before your segment was on-perfect alignment. I hadn’t even intended to send you an email, I was just checking out the web site. Sending you the email was like stepping on a lurking excuse. I felt nervous excitement and relief. The journey was starting.

Sincerely,
(Wimpy, stepping out of the shadows)

P.S. I would be glad to keep you updated on my progress.

Without using your name, may I use what you’ve written for a blog post? I think a lot of people would benefit from your writing. You’re funny and sweet and smart. I’ll just call you “secretly wimpy”.

I looked at your blogs http://www.huffingtonpost.com/susan-harrow http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-body-blog and found them insightful, delightful and bookmarkable, everything you teach.

I was able to get Sell Yourself Without Selling Your Soul from my library the first day. My mom went to pick it up for me and strangely never returned. I found her nose deep in the book, and she said, “You’ll love it! I’ve been flipping through and everywhere I stopped it was good!” I concurred, and purchased my own copy for my permanent collection as I want to do a lot of underlining. It’s wimpy approved recommended reading!

More info.
Download free audio teleclasses for the anyone who fears publicity or who wants to grow their media presence here: http://www.prsecrets.com/free-audio-signup.html

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